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I can already hear someone in the comments going, "Well, at least he's being honest!

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Join now and wield the awesome power of the thumb. Look, unless you give me a reason to, I don't give a fuck about the way you want to tinkertoy your dick with someone else's genitals, but there is a time and a place for everything.

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Hey, why can't I vote on comments?

At least a third of the messages I get and ignore are of the "do you want to have sex? Well, to be fair, the last long-term relationship I had started through OkCupid, so there's that.

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I agree to the Terms of Service. Don't have an account?

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I was really curious to know what so many people had reservations about it, and what had happened to get them to that point. My OkCupid profile makes that shit abundantly clear.

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Add me to the weekly newsletter. Sending me a message blatantly asking for sex makes me as dry as I imagine doing the cinnamon challenge with my vagina would. Needless to say he may have been legit, but I got the hell cherry blossom dating online of there and called him out on his old datings messages.

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Get your lives together. We have the dog and the apartment and the co-oped couch and it all seems to be really working out well, so I rarely have hesitation when it comes to suggesting to friends to get out there in the online dating world.

I'm not even talking about the messages from men who are mad at my profile and send me "cumslut" messages -- y'all are boring and need to get a hobby or spend time with your mom or something.

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The other, more creepy part of this ties in with the above FetLife bullshit. No for this, I'm talking about messages from people who are like, a 25 percent match but then act all surprised when I shut down their advances.

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It's mostly just all gross. Cracked only offers comment voting to subscribing members.

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Here ya go -- FetLife exists! It's not like I'm vehemently anti-threesome or whatever, but contrary to popular opinion, being bisexual isn't a synonym for hypersexual.

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That doesn't mean no good should come of it all, though. If you're looking to base an entire relationship around some kink, go to FetLife and leave me the fuck alone.

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And here's the thing -- I'm on a fucking dating website. I don't want to have a fucking threesome, I don't want to be marked out as highly sexual, and I don't want you shoving your dick in the conversation any more than I would if I was exclusively heterosexual. On my profile, it clearly states that I'm looking for men and women who aren't more than 10 years older than me. To dating messages on reply notifications, click here.

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I literally use the word "kyriarchy" in my bio, have Audre Lorde listed as my favorite author, and set my profile picture to me doing a Rosie the Riveter pose at my first pride parade. I don't care how big your dick is.

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When you look at someone else's profile, you can see online dating dangers stories much of a match that person is with you, and can look at the questions that you disagreed on. If the only way you can get someone to touch your cock is by exploiting women with low self-esteem, you are just as pathetic as you secretly worry you are. Just because I can, in theory, be attracted to both you and your girlfriend doesn't mean that I'm automatically attracted to both of you, nor does it make it any less rude to ask clever online dating usernames to spice up your sex life or whatever right off the bat.